Grandpa by Safyaan

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Grandpa was playing on his piano because he has nightmares of when Grandma died.It was a depressing time.Over a thousand people died during the war.He played on his piano to calm  himself down.Grandpa always told me stories about the war,whilst we walk in the poppy field by the bungalow.I always thought he played a harmonic and melodic tune.Grandpa was very young when he started to the piano.His mum taught him how play the piano and many more instruments but didn’t  play anything else it was a mystery…

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3 responses »

  1. You have created a strong image of the grandpa in the story Safyaan, and use some great vocabulary. I like the ending – it makes me want to find out more about why he only played the piano.

    Your next step is to make sure your sentences link together so that the reader can follow your ideas better.One way you could do this is by using time connectives.

    Keep blogging!

    Mrs Lama

  2. Well done! You have managed to create powerful emotions I think. You have used short sentences well. I love the words ‘harmonic and melodic’.

    To improve: try to link more sentences together using connectives
    Try to use different sentence starters, you used Grandpa a lot…

  3. Hello Safyaan,

    The tragedy of war takes many lives and leaves behind lives mourning those lost. For Grandpa, the sound of the music he played brought memories of Grandma, a mix of sorrow and joy.

    Music can be a powerful reminder of things past. I was left wondering why Grandpa, despite knowing other instruments, only played the piano. It must have had a very special meaning for him and grandma. Well done.

    I can see the care you have taken with spelling and punctuation while sharing a touching story about Grandpa. I can see others have made suggestions for improvement so I will only add I hope you keep entering the 100WC so we can experience more of your writing.

    Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
    Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia

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